I think every college student goes through what I am going through right now. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Here's what I do know:
I know that I am with the love of my life and that Cisco is definitely the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I know that my color guard days are coming to an end and I cannot wait until they do so I have more "me" time.
I know that whatever I decide to do with my life it has to be good enough to support my future lifestyle and family.
I know I want a family.

What I don't know:
I don't know that I want to be a teacher. In fact I don't know what to do at all. It seems like everything takes so much time to get into so if I ended up not liking the job I end up with it will take forever to try and switch to another job.

I'm so over school I never want to go.. actually I don't remember ever wanting to go even in grade school. :P I don't want to be a failure to society. I want to be able to afford things for my kids and husband. I'm thinking to far ahead I know. I am only 20 years old I shouldn't be worried about this kind of stuff. I should be out partying and having fun with my boyfriend and other friends. But the more I think about it. A family is what I want more then anything. I must be going through that womanly stage. It's awful.

I wish I could find the perfect job for me. Something I like doing and can make enough money to support my self.. Maybe I need to take a test that tells me what my future career should be. Maybe I'm crazy..

I'm sure one day I will figure this out.. I just hope it's not to late.. I'm always so BiPolar with my decisions. I lose motivation so quickly... what's wrong with me..

On the Bright Side... I LOVE CISCO VERY MUCH! and I couldn't be happier that we ended up together.

I do feel sorry sometimes with how I treated Mike but at the same time I think it's good we didn't work out because now he is with a girl he likes very much and I hope they last!! So it's like everything worked out for the better... Funny how things work out... I couldn't be happier...

Speaking of Cisco I need to find him the perfect christmas present and I have no idea what to get him.. hmm... I need to get on it.. I never know what kinds of things boys like to get as a present.
It needs to be something that says I love you, and your my best friend but is also boyish/manly ^_^
Maybe I'll buy him socks lol.. JK but the boy does needs some socks haha... well see...

c-ya later..- Chelle

uugghhhh... make it stop... or give me more liqueur... why wont it go away...

Lyrics to Gravity:

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Download this song.. By Sara Bareilles...

...you...

UUGGGHH... I'm so confused I can't even explain. I don't understand what I'm feeling.. I'm not sure if I should cry or just let it go cause I knew what I was doing. I do it to my self. I always want what isn't for me..

Why isn't anything for me?

Am I being selfish again?



Tell me to stop.
Tell me to give up, please..

Thing I used to vent,

Today, Cisco Sunday was awesome! It started off slow. I went to get my nails done with lindsay and got hit on by 2 Vietnamese guys. They were funny. Then lindz talked me into going out to World Market (I fucking love that store) and to Michael's (which sucked cause they were like out of everything). Then I came home, took a shower, and drove up to Port St Lucie where Cisco Sunday began. First I tried to dog-nap his puppy. Then, we dove to the mall and walked around. My fat ass ate a pretzel and bought a cute little phone charm. Then, we went to Starbucks (fucking delicious). Then, we went back to his house where his mother made fun of him and I played on the computer a little and laid on the futon. I wanted to take a nap but nooo... I was playing with the doggie anyways.. soo cute <3. Then, we drove to downtown stuart and ate at some chinese buffet where once again I got hit on ish buy some chinese guy. he was kinda cute except for his mullet haha.. Cisco says he looks like a monkey hehe. He's just jealous. LOVE YOU CISCO! lol. Then we went home.. and I went home home.. and talked to mike about names for kids that im not going to have lol dont ask. But it was cute... Ian told me he had a dream where I died But according to the vietnamese boys that means good luck so thats cool i guess. I talked to kyle alittle bit via text which is always nice. and now im talking to cisco sean and anish online.. good times..

overall good day.. good job guys lol

<3 chelle

Journal,
Work is lame. I can't believe I actually went back to Quizno's, but then again everyone comes back. I think this is my third time returning to the "oh so fabulous" sub shop. I love the people I work with and I get paid to do nothing. That's a lot more than I can say about Victoria's secret. That job was truly awful. I'm almost positive those people are challenged. Whatever as long as I'm getting paid it doesn't matter. Besides they give me a lot of hours.

School is a SNOOZE FEST! Year two at PBCC consists of: Biology, Contemporary Literature, and Intermediate Algebra. (cause I suck at math) Right now it's just the Bio and Alg. My Contemp. Lit class doesn't start 'till September 22. I have a very easy school schedule compared to the past which is nice.

It's weird, When I was on tour I thought coming home and getting back into the normal schedule would be so strange and fun. but, now that I'm home I am so bored and I have to much time to think about shit. I miss showering with all the not so pretty girls and waking up next to sweaty boys in hot roach infested gyms. Ok, maybe not the roach part. But I'm sure you get the point. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to do drum corp again, but sitting around all day is so.. BLAH.. I feel like I'm getting fat. Which, on me is impossible. I want to travel the world. I really want to go to China with Michelle. I mean yeah we talk about it, but I want it to actually happen! I want to see everything. Even all the places they tell you not to go like Afghanistan and some place in Africa. Maybe I should just join the Marines or whatever. Then I could go where ever I wanted. My parents would probably kill me. I always wanted to join the peace corp and like teach african kids how to read and what not. But I'm sure just like everything else granny will say its a waist of time. Ugh there is so much I want to do. I mean we only live once right? I should do everything!! I just wish I had people to do it with.

I've spent my whole life doing one thing.. Color guard.. If I stop now I'll be letting people down.. But if I don't stop soon.. there will be so much I will miss out on. I can't wait to graduate from college and be free from education. Once I become a teacher or whatever I will have summers off and I will see the world for sure! I just wish there was someone to share it with.

-Chelle

helpme,
I wish I understood all that I thought and felt. But, that would be too easy wouldn't it. I guess if life were easy it just wouldn't be as much fun?.. I really hate this whole being alone thing. It's not necessarily that I want a boyfriend. Because whether he's my boyfriend or not its doesn't change the fact that I'm crazy about him. His smile drives me crazy and that kiss makes me weak. His eyes are so relaxing I get lost in the way he looks at me. I don't understand how its possible for a person to not even touch me and have the effect that he has on me. The worst part is he doesn't even know what he's doing. So to him looking at me is like looking at anyone else.. which I'm sure now after I've told him how I felt he just looks at me like I'm Pathetic. Why do I fall so easy.. and when I do why is it so hard to get back up.
Dating Dj taught me a lot.. most things to make me a better person but one thing was to never fall as hard as I did for him because when it ends.. it fucking sucks...

WELL FUCK ME RIGHT? Why was it so easy to fall back into that so called love trap. I didn't want to feel this again.. He said he didn't want to hurt me in the long run.. well unfortunately this is killing me.. all I want is to be with him.. he's all I think about and just knowing he's available for anyone else is the worst. I don't want him to know how pathetic I am.. but its so hard to pretend to be happy when I feel like this.. I imagine having a heart attack could kinda feel like this.. I never knew heartbreak could be so physical.. shit hurts.

I'm getting to old for this shit. I want him to be happy and if that means sucking it up then fine.. I just wish this feeling would go away faster.

Who knew "just friends" could cause this much pain.

-chelle.

I'm leaving for Drum Corp Friday June 12th. Move ins are on the 13th in Georgia.. should be fun?? lol Im going to be gone for 2.5 months? June 13th-August 9th. Touring the country and Competing in competitions. Wish Teal Sound Luck at DCI FINALS!

-Michelle

Semester 2 at Palm Beach Community College. Wonderful Lake Worth campus.
english 2
spanish 2
speech
biology
lab
troubadours
concert chorus.

All classes I don't need lol. I changed my major like most college students. I was so sure I wanted to teach.. but yeah fuck that. Im going to nursing school. In the end it will have been the better choice anyways. Besides I'm excited about it.

As far as my last entry. I did make Medea winter guard and tomorrow, well today is our premier at Santaluces High. Kinda excited.

Park Vista Color Guard: is doing very well. Thanks to Mark and Darby.. I guess me too.. lol. It's fun helping out but its not going to be something I'm going to continue doing. I love the girlies though. They are fun.

Love life: Non existent.

Family life: like always I can't tell you. Don't really look into it often.

Boys: annoying.

Friends: still friends and still worth having :D

Yeah thats about it. nothing interesting as always. Although I have been having these weird dreams. I hate them. Fuck Dreams.

Hey everyone who still reads.
-Michelle

Today I.....
AUDITIONED FOR MEDEA!!!
It was so much fun. It wasn't stressful I mean it was hard and I didn't get all the work the 1st time.. or sometimes the 3rd or 4th i need some practice but it was great. Everyone there was fun and nice and it seems like really great group and I want to help rebuild it. My finger is a little swollen and my legs feel like Jello but it is so worth it.
I need to work on my essay thats due and tuesday and get my school stuff together.. I also need to change my availability at VS so they will put me back on the schedule. I have a lot of "to-do's" but I'm going to get it together and make this work. I don't want to ask my dad for money I want to pay for Medea on my own. Even if that means fundraising.... ewww... But I gotta do what I gotta do.. Ok well its essay time...

Love,
Michelle...

P.S. John You're a Dork... and it was nice seeing you this weekend

...I hate who I have become. I am jealous, sad, and confused. I am angry, hurt, and some what relieved. Relieved that I can start a new path in a different direction. All of the other things because I'm not sure what I'm leaving behind is worth giving up. They say everyone has their first love, first heartbreak. Now i believe it. I came I saw and I was destroyed. The only thing left for me to do is start over. Normally I would say "I'll never love again," but that is so cleche. Cause truth is I will. I don't know who, or when it will happen. But I know it will come. I don't know why I look back and think we were meant to be when everything about us was wrong. I always had this hope of finding that perfect someone, and I guess my little obsession with love played me for a fool. I ignored that bad because I wanted so much for him to be the one.
I still don't really know who I am or what I'm going to become. I've always said I wanted to make a difference, be something out of the ordinary. But I've come to realize I'm just like everyone else. I have the same emotions same ideas I'm human. Ordinary but hardly simple. My mind wonders like everyone else's. And I'm unsure of what to do as of now. Lately I have realized I have waisted all my hopes and dreams on a love that wasn't meant to be. And now I have no hopes or dreams I'm basically a black slate waiting to be filled with more nonsense....
The more I think about the future I'm actually excited about it... I feel a sense of peace hovering over me waiting to fully set in. Its nice. I can't sit around moping I need to get out and be me again... I have changed... but it seems for the better I have more of a respect for people and a better sense of being I suppose. and I will always have my friends that I care about to help me on the way... Speaking of friends... I have a lot of friendships to rebuild.
So dear friends who have been worried about me. I can honestly say I'm doing ok. and from here on... it will only get better.

love,
Chelle

I'm about to go to work so this is just gunna be short and sweet. Well, depending on how carried away I get of course. Lately I've just been hanging out. I worked about thirty six hours this week because its the first week of our semi-annual sale. Don't worry girls the sale doesn't end till july 1st lol. For those who do not know I am working at Victoria's secret now. It's a pretty fun job. You get to interact with a lot of people all the time and everyone I work with is super nice. They like me there. It does have its downfalls though. It's far, alot of work, and credit is a pain in the booty to get. I'm starting to think that with gas prices driving all the way to the wellington mall to make $7.25 an hour isn't going to cut it. I started teaching color guard at Park Vista. The girls are doing pretty well I've been kinda getting on their case. Now that they are mine they need to be good!I still plan on trying out for Medea provided they come back. Gorge the instructor is also instructing two other high schools and writing Park Vista's drill for winter guard. We are not bringing back Tim Lee thank god! That man turns anything good into a bad idea. I love working with Mark and Darby. They are so much fun. My break up with Dj..well his break up with me lol has been going... lol not good but not bad. Of course I still have his pictures in my room and catch my self looking at them hehe I still can't help thinking what if. I thought we were going to last but, as usual I'm wrong. Either way I still think very highly of him and maybe one day i'll be able to talk to him with out that heart shattering feeling. He came to one of the band camps and as soon as I saw him my heart dropped. I think it litterally knocked the wind out of me. I guess that is what love is that heartbreaking feeling you get after its over every time you see them. I'm sure it won't be there forever I can't wait for it to go away. I still have his stryke shirt and what not. I should get that back to him. Everything will be ok again one day it's just the way like works. Shit happens. Other than that I have been catching up on my movie watchin haha and video game playing. I went to the gym yesterday my abbs hurt so much. I have also been working on my tan haha beachin it up hehe. Anything to keep my mind from all the shit.. lindsay has been helping me out alot. shes a very good friend.
well, i got to get ready for work. It's bra sellin time.
Have a nice day guys!!
love,
Chelle.

I never write in this thing and there is probably a good reason for that, something on the lines of no one gives a crap about what i have to say lol. I don't even like reading these things. But, whatever I have nothing to do and Dj wont wake his lazy ass up. Times with him and I are sometimes good.. sometimes bad.. it gets rough. He just can't trust me I don't know why I haven't given him any reason not to I haven't done anything wrong I'm absolutely head over heals for that boy why can't he just see that. Either way I'm not going to give up on him so he's going to have to deal. hehe. This morning I woke up and my car battery died so I didn't go to school.. I played some devil may cry 4 but that got old cause I couldn't beat this stupid S.O.B. then I started watching this movie on comedy central with Robbin Williams and i have been sitting here eating Cheez-its and drinking blue Powerade. I'm so bored. I wish Dj would answer his damn phone. I need to go to PBCC to turn in this financial aid bullshit. I have to go to work tonight too. Good Ol' Victoria's secret. I'm tired.

Chelle.

This weekend was fun. Saturday was the first day in a long time I had a whole day to do whatever I wanted and of course I spent it with Dj. Totally worth it. We went to Bass Pro-shop's OutDoor World and went up to the archery range and shot some arrows. I HIT THE BOX! lol exciting then we came home and I made us dinner. Then we went and saw SAW4 at City Place. It was fun it was a great day lots of relaxing and such. Today we hung went to church. Lets just say that it was quite amusing. Then we went to the great ol' Taco Bell, Dj's home and then we feel asleep at my house for an hour or so then went back to his place and had dinner with the family. They are so nice. I think they might actually like me!! lol. I love Dj, and his fabulous family. He is so much fun and I just feel so comfortable around him. I'd say we have an amazing relationship. He worries a lot but I love it. He's quite caring. It's nice.
That's about it.
DJ you're a sweetheart I love you baby.
-Michelle

Ok so I just deleted all my old entries they dated back to may 12, 2004 when I first got my live journal. I felt my past was a bit to dramatic or at least thats how i put it out there in writing. Im sure my life wasnt that exciting.

Latly I have been so very busy. Marching band, PBCC, highschool, research papers, tests, competitions, things to take up all the hours in my days. I can only work one day a week and im bring in like zero cash.

As of October 5th 2007 DJ Macleod and I have been dating and still going strong. lol He's amazing.

Last Night we went to FBA for those who do not know thats the Florida Band Assosiation it was held at santaluces and its where marching bands go and get rated "superior","excelent","good","fair". Park Vista, Thats us received straight superiors in all Categories receiving an overall rating of SUPERIOR!

things are going well
Love,
Michelle ♥